Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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