i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
We are two peas in an std pod
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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