forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
