This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
