Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
