"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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