All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
