I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
