you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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