she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Im part way to drunk.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
