hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
