Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I am spending my child support on dildos
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
