Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
