so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I think people are normalizing furries
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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