if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
