i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Randomize
