everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
