in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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