i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
the day after is always just damage control
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
