You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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