Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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