i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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