No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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