so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
