Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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