I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Randomize
