you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
