I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
