Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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