I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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