I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
