Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
honey bunches of taint.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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