He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
