This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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