She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
