Soap is not a condiment
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
