He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
