Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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