My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
