i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
