You just made me feel so damn special
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Randomize
