My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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