Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
