Whatcha textin bout Willis?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
