True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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