So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize