Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
