Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
