your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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