I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
