Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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