Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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