it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
don't judge my taste in strippers
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
When are your genitals available?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
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