I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
