There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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