Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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